How often do you masturbate?

A question I was asked recently and to which I replied ‘probably not as often as I should’…

Masturbation still seems to be a taboo topic.
For women, at least.

I have heard all sorts of crass references to male masturbation - wanking, jerking off, having a tug, pull, stroke, fap or fiddle… and when I asked some of my male friends to tell me some others there was no end to their responses:

thrapping
thomas tank
ham shank
beat the meat
bash the bishop
nosh
five knuckle shuffle
taking PALMela and her five mates for a ride
spanking the monkey
polishing my sword
charming the snake
buffing the banana
jackin’ the beanstalk

(plus one that came up on more than one occasion that I can honestly say I have never even heard of in my entire existence…)

choking the chicken!

Once you’ve stopped laughing at this hilarious, presumably non-exhaustive list of terminology… we can get back to the matter at hand (ahem).

Male masturbation is so frequently spoken about that there is this gigantic list of ways to describe the way they touch themselves.

But what about women?

It’s barely spoken about.

I personally still use the word ‘wank’ but I - even as someone who speaks about anything and everything - don’t think I have ever, in my life, said to one of my friends that I am going for one. Is the word wank even appropriate when you’re a person with a vulva?

The contrast being that when I asked my female friends what words they would use to describe their own masturbation habits - they mostly replied that they don’t usually speak about it. They would simply use ‘masturbate’ or timid phrases such as ‘touch myself’ or ‘pleasure myself’ or they simply just don’t have words they would use because they’ve never had to use it in a sentence.

I have no idea what age I was when I started inserting random objects into my vagina but I know I’m not alone. All kinds of things have been tried and tested (not all by me, I hasten to add) including hairbrush handles, vegetables, frozen ice lollies (ouch!), deodorant cans, electric toothbrushes and basically anything even remotely phallic (including, in one case, an actual TV remote).

Apparently, children as young as 5 or 6 will have already started to play with their external organs and by the age of 15 almost 100% of boys (yet only 25% of girls) will have masturbated to the point of orgasm. The scary part is that, with access to smartphones, children as young as 9 are exposed to porn online and half of children have accessed violent pornography on a screen by the age of 13*…

So where is the education?

I was never taught a single thing about my body.
Not my anatomy.
Not my period.
Not how to masturbate.
Not how to give myself pleasure.

I only learned the full extent of my clitoris at the age of 29.
(A huge part of it is internal, by the way, not just the teeny tiny sensitive bulb at the top of your vulva…)

It has taken me a LONG time and A LOT of experimentation to figure out what works for me. But the reality is that what works is often different depending on lots of other things too - how I’m feeling, how much pressure I’m putting on myself, where I am in my menstrual cycle…

A revelation I’ve only recently happened upon is that, through my menstrual cycle tracking, I have been able to figure out the fluctuations in my sexual desires and preferences as well. For example; when I’m approaching ovulation, I’m going to be a lot more open minded, interested in penetration and feeling sexy/confident. Where as in my luteal phase, as I begin to feel premenstrual and approach the time of my bleed, I’m going to be a lot more likely to want gentle touch, tenderness, sensuality and connection.

This is true of my sexual relationship with my partner but also of my preference for masturbation.

I’m a lot less likely to be pursuing a 7 inch dildo two days before my period arrives. Even so, it is very rare for women to reach orgasm from penetrative stimulation alone. I almost exclusively touch myself with my fingers only - despite the number of dildos under my bed.

I obviously can’t speak for everyone. As always, this is true of my experience only, and I’m no stranger to a sex toy. I just tend to prefer a more gentle, clitoral stimulation when I’m ‘flying solo’…

But the question was how often?

For me, it really varies.

I hate generic responses (and statistics, if I’m honest) because we live in a cyclical, ever-changing world with a whole range of influencing factors that can affect my answer to this question.

I can sometimes happily go two months without even thinking about it. There are other times that I am unrelentingly insatiable and I could masturbate non-stop for the entire day and still not be satisfied.

It just depends.

But I stand by my original response of ‘probably not often enough’ because, in my opinion, masturbation can be so beneficial to both your physical and mental health, your relationships and your own self esteem. Mutual masturbation maybe even more so.

We should not only be wanking more, we should also be speaking about it.

I can’t tell you how deeply it saddens me when someone tells me they’ve never experienced an orgasm or that they don’t enjoy touching themselves because they’re self conscious of their labia.

I have introduced MANY of my friends to different types of dildos and encouraged them to experiment. I invite you to do the same.

Masturbation - or whatever you might decide to call it, especially after reading this blog post - should be fun, enjoyable and a healthy part of your sexual relationship with others and, even more importantly, to yourself.

If you were disappointed to realise there was not a list of female masturbation terminology, my male friends have apparently got their own list for that too:

fingering
polishing the peanut
polishing the pearl
rubbing one out
frigging
flicking the bean
clapping the clam
a strum
djing
jilling off
pet the kitty
wetting the beaver
rub the nub
playing the banjo
brushing the carpet
feed the pony

(plus, my personal favourite)

peeling the prawn

With huge thanks to all of my willing friends who are by now very used to receiving the weirdest text messages with questions they probably never thought they’d ever be asked and ultimately providing me with the funniest blog post I’ve written to date.

I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did.

Disclaimer:

Obviously, if masturbation is interfering with your daily life, relationships or sexual function - please seek the advice and support of a professional and please do not insert unsanitary objects into your vagina or anus.

*For more information regarding statistics:

Masturbation & Young Children
Swiped: The School That Banned Smartphones